You can be 100% yourself, the best version of yourself, do everything right... and sometimes, it really doesn't go your way. Most likely going to be a bit more of a heartfelt post but what can I say eh? The point of Justin Prince is my Tyler Durden is to show you... our fans of Lifted Geek who I really am.
A little background on the name, Justin Prince is my pen name... it works... it's marketable... and rolls off the tongue just right. He was a character I created in my early 20s, I was a night club promoter and at the time I felt it best to closet my geeky side and be this cool sort of bloke on the outside. I was not confident in myself back then, after battling bouts of depression among other things in my late teens, I was never satisfied with who I was. I was a nerd, a dork, a geek... the guy that dudes would pick on because I'd rather play MTG and wear a cape with my buddies or play video games. When I reinvented myself, I went about it all wrong... I took everything I was and shoved it deep into a geeky closet... what was left was a cocky and full of himself denizen of the nightlife... a far cry from who I really was.
The problem wasn't just that I wasn't being myself anymore... the problem was it was taking me over. Little by little I stopped gaming, watching anime, reading comics... being me...
It was a nightmare, not just for me but for my friends... I lost a few and almost lost some important ones. That was when I decided to give it all up. I walked away for the glamour, the club lights, the girls in skimpy dress and the dudes that wanted to be Justin Prince... I walked away from all that and became myself again. What I was left with though was a shield, something to protect me from being hurt and at the same time let people in who would be beneficial to my life. Gone was the cocky swagger and sickish behavior... leaving behind a sense of confidence I never had before. I'm g33k and proud... and thanks to my own personal Tyler Durden I kept that confidence. I took out an imaginary gun and took a shot...
So I got rid of my imaginary friend, he wasn't a part of me anymore. Kept the name, I dug it... it was cool. To be honest the name came from what my grandparents called and treated me... like their little prince... maybe that's why I was so spoiled growing up? I was a prince to them and I reveled in it.
In my life I had two great loves, the only relationships that lasted more than a few months. I've had my fair share of short term dating, one night stands, trysts, and fuck buddies... but two great loves. There was Joolie my high school sweetheart and Esther the last woman I really loved. While both relationships didn't last... we evolved.. and I am lucky to call Joolie my other best friend... I've always been selective who I let into my heart. I never opened it up fully to people who I didn't feel deserve it, cocky maybe? But I did still keep myself more available than I have before, the tattoo on my inner right arm is a reminder to wear my (steampunk) heart on my sleeve.
I met a girl... as boys tend to. She amazed me, was everything I was looking for and I was everything she was looking for. She was the first woman in about 7 or 8 years that truly opened my heart to, not since Esther (the last woman I fell in love with) did I make myself this vulnerable. With vulnerability comes a risk, the risk of being hurt and everything just blowing up in your face. As damn near perfect as I was to her, something held her back, out of respect for her I won't get into it here but that is what ended it. I contemplated holding on, even contemplated waiting... when would I meet someone I was THIS compatible with again? But I knew, this train of thought was against my better judgement... I knew I can't do that. I would be miserable, I may grow to despise her, I may grow to be "him" again... just to compensate for how shitty I feel. I didn't want that, I bowed out and started on my road to get over her.
She always smelled of coffee, she worked at a coffee shop and I loved that smell on her hair, though it was brief I felt that if given the chance to really show her... I could be immortalized as one of the greatest loves of her life. I was confident... not cocky but confident. But it just wouldn't pan out, like looking at the math equation 1 + 1 = 37 and trying to accept that it's right. It didn't feel right, yet I had to accept that while the equation equaled 37 to me... to her it equalled 2... I can't fault someone for that.
Still couldn't drink coffee today, the smell was intoxicating and reminded me of her... I took two sips and got so sad I just threw it away... it was good coffee too. I'll be myself again soon, I'll get over her and soon I won't miss the way she smiled or laughed, the taste of her lips, or the way her hair always smelled of coffee. I'l be okay... I'll be fine, but this chapter will have ended and come the next chapter, she won't be playing the same role anymore. We'll always have the flavor blue though, at least I'll always have that.